I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Thank-you all 4 your replies. information submitted for this request. Psychology Explains Why Some People Hold Grudges (Even If You Did Nothing) Review/update the I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. LOL. Thank you. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. No mother its you. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. There is no sense. I havent caught up with my friend since August, and now I know why. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. Just clarifying my thoughts! and promotions on our books and products! But he actually destroyed my confidence by denying me affection, respect, and appreciation and was deaf to me.completely stone deaf. I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. Forgiveness is an act of faith. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. word usage - Difference between "grudge" and "resentment" - English React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. Any thoughts? He does not deserve the relief he thinks he will get from having a conversation with you wherein he manipulates you to be a kind and loving person forgiving him of all his transgressions, allowing him to move into the future without a guilty conscience. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. Ooh a theological debate. My friends husband just asked me out! Fewer symptoms of depression. He had no answer to that so I walked away. But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. endstream endobj startxref What is the difference between forgiving our enemies and forgiving unrepentant people? Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. I hadnt even realised it was there. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. He will tell you a bunch of shitty lies anyway. I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. Ive tended to do this on a more superficial level with friendships than with more intimate relationships. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre. It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! And its SPOT ON. When I said I wouldnt be staying with her anymore, she laid it on thick about how I should forgive, that I wasnt Christian, that families forgive, etc. What is the difference between Holding a Grudge and Seeing a Pattern Recovery is exhausting. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. Of course, they object when you point it out. Thats a good sign for me. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. CC, I just read your comment. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. DGzCarbon He had nothing but kind thingsthings to say about me, my sibling, & others we knew from that time. You do not have to forgive someone to let something go and move forward with your own life. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. My kid(s) see right through you. Appreciate you writing this. (I was afraid they would turn against me). so I dropped him. You cant squeeze blood out of a stone. . But I did. Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? Mayo Clinic on Incontinence - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW The Essential Diabetes Book - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW Ending the Opioid Crisis - Mayo Clinic Press, FREE Mayo Clinic Diet Assessment - Mayo Clinic Press, Mayo Clinic Health Letter - FREE book - Mayo Clinic Press. I said thats just what you say about me. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, I have a pattern of putting up with snarky, toxic, hostile behavior from acquaintances. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! But, same thing happens, again and again. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. In the end,although support of safe others can help, there is nothing for it but to go through your pain. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. He couldnt even buy a coffee without being all charming and seductive with the girl behind the counter. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. I also dont think asses make good friend material. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. They can seem like two different states of mind. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Link in bio. hes a carbon copy of many of the people discussed on this site; not so special or unique! *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. Its a set up! Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. I would take such advice with a grain of salt. One of the problems with a grudge is that often the person holding it doesn't tell the person who committed the so-called hurt. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Also, I think its hard to strike a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt and being on the lookout for crap behavior. Grudges are toxic to relationships. This response is different from holding a grudge. Grudges are a form of punishment. I still get triggered and I still walk around on eggshells. Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. For putting the people who actually do care about you, to the side while w whats his/her face. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. He deserves a guilty conscience. What the heck is likable about talking about women in a degrading way and being sure you know he has a host of booty calls lined up? And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. include protected health information. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? surprise surprise. I dont like all the negative nasty thoughts I have pretty much all the time. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Click here for an email preview. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. He told me this as tactfully and honestly as he could and Im still thinking, Oh, he doesnt really mean it. Glad you wrote me, so I can get real again. They always tell you who they are. People are so complex. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. Ill let you know how it goes. Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. ", "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you,", , a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Why People Hold Grudges and What to Do About Them However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. re my son esp. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. Dont you know thats where he was going. grudge - WordReference.com Dictionary of English In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges. I was selfish. I replied just saying Its ok. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. I think its important to do what YOU want for once, rather than letting the guilt stop you from moving on. "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. Clearly this made me out to seem bitter/sour whatever to some..and I am bearing the brunt of it as far people who I thought were loyal friends were concerned. Today, I am still grieving, suffereing, felt tricked by him in the friendship last year, You would think after all the hardship we went through that now we would be more ready to make it work, but no, he said his feelings switched off long time ago, yet he kept wanting me around. You deserve better than that. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Cant say I get no bites at all, now! He just kept saying we could get together and talk. The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. Once he understood he was going nowhere with the playful sexual innuendo in my case as I was not taking him seriously, he became the intense, serious friend who wants to sleep with you but not lose the friendship. I wont feel guilty about admiring the sociability and sweet openness of a guy at the party I went to. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. Im sorry for you too. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). these are the effs I do not give. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. Dont make excuses for this idiot! Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! I guess Natalie would say let it go. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. I comprehend her disorders, but I also know that she is very intelligent. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. JBI Evidence Synthesis. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream Lizzie, sad to say, but i am anything but young, in fact I am quite old. 30 Signs That Someone Isnt Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing-Time Candidate. Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. All Free. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. Yes. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. Flush this man from your life. the unsubscribe link in the e-mail. Lower blood pressure. Do you think its healthy behavior? My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. That worked. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. Grudges are a form of punishment. Text book I tell you. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. Mymble Exactly how I felt when I left the abusive ex, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% Thank God, today I can chalk it up to experience. Thank you so much for putting it into words. Thank you. We met a few times. If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. Validation? Until you may not have a choice but to stop. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. That would be a mistake. Just a few days ago I got in touch with someone from a few months past who had many, many red flags I did not really want to see. Perhaps thats wrong and Im inflexible or maybe too flexible with maintaining my borders, I dont know. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Each person is different and has a unique personality. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. Lol. Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. We get it all here. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. dcd568so sorry for your pain. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? But hopefully its a struggle worth winning. resentment noun. Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. Its natural to miss your ex but you have to believe you can do so much better than someone who does not want a relationship. Stand up for what you believe in. my mother has a massive part in enormous damage there too. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage.

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